xaplar the bunnyalien
by princey
Summary: Lex finds an alien who turns out to be a space billionaire, they merge companies, eat dinner with the kents and the alien thinks lex and clark are more than friends. other typical smallvillesque things happen...it's amusing for me, if not you
1. Xaplar is found and named and taken home

The random bunny ran quickly to the monster truck derby and then stopped abrubtly just outside the snack table, or grub shack, as Fafner affectionatly refered to it. "Now I will have complete control of the Mexican Console!" he screamed in a shrill, bunny voice.   
Awile later a tall man carrying a duffel bag and a box of snacks came upon the bunny who by this time was sitting around shivering and muttering like a maniac. "Why hello, Bunny," said the man, crouching down carefully so as not to rip his papermache trench coat that his Aunt Thelonius had made. "What's your name?" The bunny was muttering too crazily and didn't bother to answer so the man said, "I shall call you Phalangshinantiba." The man didn't notice the bunny's perplexed expression because he was too busy saying, "My name is Walter."   
As he said this a giant space robot ran over to them and yelled, "Filthy humans! I will destroy all of you one by one with my evil raygun of doom and tamales! My name is Felix, the giant space robot!" after saying this he handed them his card and then waved his arms around madly for four minutes, After that he ran 39 feet and blasted off into outer space.   
"That was just stupid," said Walter, "He didn't even try to destroy us."   
Just then Lex Luthor burst onto the scene and exclaimed, "I always knew there were aliens among us!"  
"What aliens?" asked Walter.  
"That alien huddled on the ground muttering like a maniac."  
"That's no alien! That's a bunny named Phalangshinantiba."   
"What? That can't be a bunny, it's green and smooth and it has a huge head and large purple eyes and tiny round ears."  
"Leapin' Lazarus! You're right. Let's kill it!" Walter whipped out a rifle.   
"No!" squealed the bunny/alien.  
"He's right," said Lex. "We can't kill him. It would be wrong, I'll just take him home to do some tests...I mean...make him tea...yes...tea, sweet, delicious, numbing tea." Lex picked up the small alien and wrapped him in a blanket, put him in a really large brief case and murmered, "Walter gave you a stupid name, he's a moron. I'll call you Xaplar."   
So Lex Luthor and Xaplar got into Lex's limo and drove to the Luthor Estate and were very happy, they always drank "tea." 


	2. xaplar looks for a snack, or does he?

When Lex and Xaplar got back to the Luthor Mansion, Lex said, "Xaplar, i was wondering, what planet are you from?"  
Xaplar replied, "Snakfltnfkd..." That wasn't the name of the planet or anything in an alien language, it was just a sound that Xaplar made because he was barely concious. Lex, for some reason, knew this and took Xaplar off to a room somewhere in the mansion so that he could rest.   
'Well,' Lex thought to himself, 'i was going to do special alien testing experiments on him but i just don't know if i should, he's so cute with his huge purple eyes and his little claws and smooth green skin and so on and so forth.' After thinking all of these things Lex stumbled into a random bedroom and passed out.  
When he woke up the next morning he found a servant standing around and he asked, "What am i doing in this crazy guest bedroom? i don't even remember going to bed last night and what is this weird alien doing in here?"  
"I assume that you went out last night, picked up this alien, brought it home, found the nearest bedroom and passed out." replied the servant.  
"You make it seem like i often go out, get drunk and bring people home! Like i'm a total skank!"  
"I wouldn't dream of implying that sir."  
"Right...you're fired."  
During this delightful conversation Xaplar snuck out of the room quietly and went off to find a snack. He was intercepted on his quest, however, by a lamp that was near a door. He saw the lamp and as it was shaped like Hades, he tried to make conversation with it. This, of course, didn't work out too well and so he gave up his pursuit. 'He probably didn't notice me because i'm only the size of a bunny.' Xaplar thought. he was about to get upset about it but then he forgot. 


	3. pudding and mergers

When the weird alien finally found his way to the kitchen he found an angry chef standing in the corner screaming, "MY PUDDING IT'S BURNED!!!! IT'S BURNED!!!" There was no pudding in sight and the cook had been screaming this since last Thursday. Xaplar knew this, as he was psychic (sometimes) and so he didn't pay to much attention. Under normal circumstances he would have offered to help because on his home planet, Galactitron, he was known for being a quite fabulous pudding chef. His specialty was butterscotch, although he was quite fond of rice. 'I'll make sure Lex fires that crazy chef,' he thought. 

Xaplar began to prowl around the kitchen searching for some crackers and juice. He wasn't having any luck but then he saw something that would have made him surprised if it weren't for that damned megaphone. A large man named Skippy walked into the kitchen through the service entrance. He was wearing a tomato colored overcoat and sunglasses made out of candy. When he saw Xaplar he was terrified despite his size advantage, he ran out of the room weeping like a schoolboy who had been beaten at dodge ball.

Xaplar looked confused and left the kitchen, giving up on finding a snack. He wandered into the bedroom where he had spent the night and noticed that a servant wearing a pinwheel cap was walking over to him. "Mr. Xaplar," the servant began, "There is an old school friend of yours here to see you. Shall I tell him that you're on your way?"

"No," answered Xaplar, "I don't want to see any of my friends. I'm trying to start a new life and he probably just wants money."

"I'll tell him you're out."

"Good," Xaplar went to find Lex. He finally found Lex sitting in a guest bedroom staring bleakly out the window. "Lex," he said, "I want to thank you for protecting me from Walter. I would like to thank you by giving you 3,000 space dollars."

Lex began to chuckle but soon he was laughing uncontrollably. 

"I'm sorry that you found that amusing...or maybe you're laughing for joy. That money would really improve your *cough* conditions. I know that you're not as wealthy as I am."

"Oh really," asked Lex, smiling, "How many houses do you have?"

"20 grounded and 10 floating, that's all together--on earth and Galactitron."

"Hmm, that is impressive. Maybe we could merge our companies! Then we would both be even more rich!"

"I had not thought of this. But, yes, I think we can work out a deal."

"Good, good. My father will be so upset, his company is only global! Mine will be intergalactic!!"

"So will mine!" exclaimed Xaplar, although his joy went unnoticed.

Just then Lex noticed that Xaplar did have structures on his head that looked like bunny ears, 'Hmm, maybe Walter wasn't as moronic as I thought...oh, yes he was.'


	4. xaplar finally finds his elusive rocket ...

After that delightful agreement Xaplar walked over to Lex's secret lab. He had no trouble getting in because of his being an alien, they can do that sort of thing. After he was in he began to prowl around and noticed lots of amusing things. He found an area labeled, "Things from Outer Space That Ended Up On Earth." "Hmm…this should be interesting," he said and went over to the area and began opening the sealed containers. After looking through them for a few minutes he saw something that caught his eye, "My old rocket skates!" he exclaimed, picking them up and admiring them. "I wondered where I left these." Xaplar put on the rocket skates and skated out of the lab. As he was skating through the halls of the castle he ran into Lex and said, "Oh! I ran into you."

"Yes," said Lex, "I noticed, but you only come up to my knees so it's not like I was in danger of falling over." 

"Yes," replied Xaplar.

"Say something in your alien language."

"Ok…umm…" he thought briefly and then said, "Ima wa nanji desuka?" 

"You just said 'what time is it' in Japanese!"

"True, true. I'd hoped you wouldn't catch that, you see, I have no native language."

"I don't believe you, how could another planet have English as it's language, or any earth language for that matter?"

Xaplar didn't answer; he had already skated away.

"Oh that crazy alien!" chuckled Lex. 

Just then Lionel Luthor walked in and said, "Ah, Lex, it's good to see you've finally decided to get rid of that hideous car."

"I don't know what you mean."

"I didn't see that silver _atrocity _in the driveway."

"It's in the garage."

"Oh. Well, better luck next time."

"Was there something you wanted?"

"Yes, I've decided to buy out LexCorp." 

Lex began to laugh even harder than he had when Xaplar offered him the 3000 space dollars. 

"And why are you laughing?"

"Can't…talk…laughing…too…hard."

At that exact moment Xaplar skated up to them and, noticing all the laughter, began to join in. Soon he was laughing even harder and more intensely that Lex. Lex noticed this and felt like he was missing something because it wasn't _that _funny so he stopped laughing. Then Xaplar said, "Why are we laughing?" 

"My father has just offered to buy out our company."

Lionel interrupted, "Lex, why have you merged your company with that of a talking rabbit?"

"Rabbit! Come on! He has the worst disguise _ever_, how could you think he's a rabbit?"

Xaplar said, "Silly, human! How could you dream of buying us out?"

"Xaplar, maybe you should go skate some more," Lex said.

"Are you implying that I'm a bad skater?"

"No, come here!" Lex pulled Xaplar into one of the bedrooms, "It's not a good idea to act competitive around my father, it will only encourage him." 

"To do what, exactly?"

"Destroy our company."

"I see."

A/N: Please review this, even if it's only one word, like beanie or Phillipe, I just want to know if any one if any one has actually read this. 


	5. an early dinner

Xaplar did see and when the two of them went back out into the hall he politely said to Mr. Luthor, "I'm sorry about calling you a silly human and laughing at you, you see I'm a talking rabbit and we're not known for being polite." 

"Yes…Well, I'll just be going now."

"Bye, Father," Lex said sarcastically.

"Wow," said Xaplar, when Lionel was gone, "You're the only person I know who can say goodbye sarcastically."

"I'm still trying to figure out how you manage to convince people that you're a rabbit."

"It's all in the ears, my friend, all in the ears. And the size." 

"Yes, I suppose."

Xaplar skated away and soon found himself in a large room that he decided to call "The Room of Size and Manangua." He began to look around and skate around in circles. "Oh, I'm so happy that I found these rocket skates," he said with glee. He skated for awhile but then, before he had time to react, a stick was placed in front of him and he tripped. He saw a strange man lurking in the corner, laughing. "Laugh it up Comb over!" he yelled and then skated into a different room. 

When he entered the room he saw Lex and sighed, "Oh, _you_ again."

"We're going to dinner tonight at the Kent's house."

"Why?"

"They asked us and Clark is a friend."

"Hmm…what time?"

"5:30."

Xaplar coughed, "I'm sorry, did you say we were having _brunch?_"

"No…dinner."

"Why would anyone eat dinner at 5:30!?" 

"Well, they're farmers; they keep different hours than we do."

Xaplar skated away laughing hysterically. 

Later that night when they were all seated around the Kent's table Xaplar said, "So you're farmers…"

"Yes," answered Martha. Jonathan was too busy scowling at Lex. 

"What kinds of things do you farm?"

"Well, you know, crops."

"I see." 

"Mr. Kent," Lex began, "I'm really becoming uncomfortable with how you've been scowling at me all evening."

"Evening!? I Just woke up 3 hours ago!" Xaplar remarked. 

Everyone looked at him and then looked away. Jonathan said, "I'm just not comfortable with you being friends with my son."

"Why?"

"Well, the bear doesn't stray far from the honey."

"Is that your colorful way of saying…" Lex thought for a moment, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about." 

"I mean you might seem nice and down to earth now but your father's evil and because he has money you'll stick with him in the end."

"Foolish earthling!" said Xaplar, "I have more money than his father can ever dream of! He'll stay with me."

"Have any colloquialisms to fit that, Mr. Kent?" asked Lex.

"No."

And with that, Lex and Xaplar left. 


	6. too much sincerity for xaplar

As they walked to the car they heard footsteps behind them. Xaplar turned around and saw that it was the awkward teenage boy from dinner that night, "Oh you," said Xaplar disappointedly. 

"I came to apologize for my dad, he just doesn't like you."

"Yes, but it's alright," said Lex, "I'm used to it, people have been disliking me because of my father for years."

"Still I wish I could make it up to you."

"Oh for God's sake!" interrupted Xaplar, "Why won't you be quiet? I've endured an hour of this polite, sensitive nonsense and it's far to early in the day for me to endure any more!" 

"Early?" asked Clark, "It's 6:30p.m."

"Don't remind me!"

"Don't worry about him, he's just weird," said Lex.

"Ok…how would you like to meet me for breakfast tomorrow?"

"And when do you eat breakfast?" asked Xaplar, angrily, "3:00a.m?"

"I'd loved to," replied Lex, "And I'll leave Xaplar at home."


	7. xaplar gives some advice about Lex and C...

The next morning Lex met Clark at the Talon and they began to discuss things. "So," said Lex, "How's the farm?"

"Good, but you're not interested in farming…"

"What? Just because I'm rich means I can't take an interest in your life? I care about you and I'm trying to be your friend."

Just then Xaplar skated by, "Get a room!" he yelled as he went past their table. 

"Wow, I'm surprised you managed to drag yourself out of bed so _early,_" remarked Lex.

"Well, I just had to see how you two _interact_ when you're alone." 

"Why do you say that?" asked Clark.

Xaplar rolled his eyes, said, "Oh _come_ on," and skated away.

After he was gone Lex said, "I apologize for his behavior, he's from another planet and sometimes he gets a little…tactless."

Clark shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Yeah, that's fine Lex, I understand." They began to stare into each other's eyes for awhile until Lana came by and said hello and then asked what they would like to order. 

They both ordered and then when Lana was gone Lex asked, "So, if you want I could get you some concert tickets for you and Lana…that is, if you're still interested in her?"

"Oh, well…I don't know. What do you think I should do, Lex?"

"I think you should follow your heart."

Xaplar skated over, "Look, you're a pretty wicked guy, Lex, and I didn't want to have to interrupt your conversation any more but… 'Follow your heart?' That's so absurdly stupid! When I heard you say that I wanted to kill myself but then I'd have to fly back to Galactitron because nothing on earth can kill me and so I thought, 'Come on Xapy, you don't want to do that!' But that's beside the point, I just think you two should just go to Vermont and get married or something. Although, don't expect me to live with you any more if you do that! I have nothing against relationships between people (or aliens) of the same gender, heh heh, let's just say I had some wild times in high school and college but seriously, you guys make the creepiest couple _ever!_ I mean, Lex, you're an intelligent, sophisticated billionaire, what could you possibly see in this simpleton from a farm who eats his meals at ungodly hours?"

Clark began to shift uncomfortably again.


	8. lex and clark think

"Well," began Lex, "He has an honesty that's lacking in most people."

"Oh, well that's just fantastic, I hope that you two are_ very_ happy," replied Xaplar, sarcastically. Then he said, "I'm going home," and skated away. 

After he was gone Lex said, "Well, Clark, it's been a delightful morning but I have to get back to work." 

"See you later," said Clark, feebly. After Lex left, Clark sat for a few minutes, wondering about what the strange little alien had said. 'I wonder if Lex really likes me,' he thought, 'Maybe it's all been a lie."

As Clark sat in the café thinking, Lex was driving in his car along one of those highways they have in Smallville where no cars drive. Lex was thinking, 'Maybe Xaplar was right, why _do_ Iwant to be Clark's friend?'

While, Lex and Clark were thinking these things Xaplar was at home psychically reading their thoughts and laughing to himself. "Hahaha, soon Lex will truly be on my side," he chuckled.


	9. soup and disasters

The next morning Lex woke up to find Xaplar in the kitchen making soup. "Look!" he exclaimed, "I'm making breakfast!"

"Soup? For Breakfast? I may not be a chef—or know anything about food preparation—but I do know that soup is not for breakfast."

"On Galactitron it is."

"_Really_?"

"No, you caught me in my bluff," Xaplar said, dejectedly. 

"Well, what kind of soup is it?" 

"Potato."

"I guess I'll try some, after all, it _is_ 1:00."

"Yeah, I bet the Kents ate breakfast like seven hours ago," laughed Xaplar. 

The two of them sat down to enjoy their breakfast soup and read the paper. "Oh no!" cried Lex, "It seems that Mrs. Kent has been kidnapped and Mr. Kent is in the hospital with some disease that no one knows the name of and Lana's house has burned down!"

"Leapin' Lazarus!" 

"But wait—that's not all! There's also a strange new person in town who can stretch himself to any length…"

"Mr. Fantastic?!" 

"No, just a regular high school student, except for the stretchy bit."

"Jumpin' Jesus! Let's go to the Talon and see what your friends have to say about all this." 

"Ok! Wait…they'll be at school now, maybe we should go later."

"Yeah…ok."

__

Later, at the Talon…

Lex walked into the coffee shop and saw Clark sitting at a table looking pensive and moving his eyebrows a lot. "Clark…" he began, "How are you?" 

"Fine! How's it going Lex?" Clark tried to act like he was pretending to be cheerful but actually was crying on the inside and failed miserably. 

"Good. Look, I'm sorry about…"

"Lex! Help! I'm stuck!" yelled Xaplar, from under a large box.

"Oh, sorry Clark." Lex said and dashed over to where Xaplar was trapped. "Xaplar! What did you do?"

"Why is it automatically my fault?"

"Well, most people find it hard to get themselves trapped under a box like that, it's not the kind of thing that just happens naturally." 

"True. I was trying to kill a spider…I hate spiders so much."

"Ok…" 


	10. mr fantastic?

After picking Xaplar up and dusting him off Lex walked back over to Clark, who was now surrounded by Lana, Pete and Chloe. Lex was about to say something when there was a commotion heard outside. The four high school students dashed outside and Lex followed. 

When they got outside they saw an ordinary teenager slapping cars out of the road from a safe distance by stretching his arms.

"Mr. Fantastic?!" yelled Xaplar excitedly. 

"No!" replied Lex. 

Clark ran over to the elastic teen and restrained him yelling, "I just want to be your friend!"

"Who are you?" yelled the teenager, "I don't even know who you are!" 

"This is the stupidest thing ever!" said Xaplar. 

Soon everything was under control and the teen, who's name they learned, was Steve, was sent to the hospital.

"Well," said Chloe, "I'm glad that's over. I can't wait to add Steve to my wall of weird." 

"I don't know," said Clark, "It seems that his parents might be abusing him."

"You got that from the short time you spent with him?" asked Xaplar, incredulously. 

"I just got a feeling," explained Clark. 

"Oh, come _on_," said Xaplar. 

"Well," Lex said, "If you're sure about this I can pull some strings and find out about him." 

"Lex, I don't won't you to do that. You're probably too busy with your company and stuff."

"I just want to help out a friend, Clark." 

"I guess."


	11. Steve does not require pityor doesn't he...

An hour later Lex was on the phone looking up files on this mysterious, elastic Steve. "Hello, I'd like to find out all the information I can about Steve," he said into the phone. 

"We'll need a last name," answered the social worker he was talking to.

"No you don't."

"Why not?"

"Heh heh, TV is a magical thing." 

__

Soon afterward, at the Talon, Lex, Clark, Xaplar, Lana, Chloe and Pete sit around discussing the information that Lex found about Steve…

"You see," explained Lex, "He's gone to four schools in the past three years and his parents keep on lying about him."

"What do they say that's a lie?" asked Lana.

"It's not important. The point is, I think Clark may be right about Steve being abused."

Xaplar rolled his huge, alien eyes and said, "I think you need more proof. I know you're in love with Clark but that doesn't mean every premonition he has is correct."

Lex ignored Xaplar's comment and Clark shifted uncomfortably in his chair. 

"Anyway," said Lana, "I think Clark is right too." 

"You have _no_ proof!" said Xaplar.

Just then Steve stepped out from behind something and said, "I heard everything you guys said. I don't need your sympathy!"

The teenagers at the table all looked uncomfortable but Lex raised his eyebrows and said, "Shouldn't you be in the hospital?"

"No…" said Steve and then walked away.

"Well _that _was stupid," said Xaplar, "I'm leaving."

And he left.


End file.
